I’ve heard it said, “Your story is your story and the best way to glorify God is to share how He’s worked in your life.” There were times in my life when I was very clearly less than faithful, but God was always there. Even as a small child, whether I fully grasped the concept of faith or not, He was working in my life. I used to say, if asked, that the turning point in my life was when I started studying God’s word formally with Bible Study Fellowship (BSF), that’s when God called me to believe. I’m not sure that’s the case anymore.
I was around 18 months of age when I had a seizure that sent me to the hospital. My earliest memory is of the ambulance ride there. I remember how frightened my mother looked and how I didn’t understand what all the fuss was about. I remember the electrodes stuck to my scalp for the EEG. I remember wanting to just go home and not understanding why I couldn’t go home. God was there that day, He started my memories here. Despite the chaos that was going on around me that day, I can still see His hand guiding the doctors and nurses who cared for me. The blessing, after everything that happened, was that I was going to be just fine. I’ve had no other seizure since.
I remember crawling into my sister’s crib once or twice before age 3 when she was crying during a storm and sleeping next to her so she wouldn’t be afraid.
We lost the first house I remember to bankruptcy, but God provided a new house in another part of town so that we wouldn’t be homeless. It was smaller, quite a bit smaller, two bedrooms and one bathroom vs 3 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms and a huge playroom for all the toys. It had everything we needed, no excess. We lived there for about 8 years. I think it was while we lived in that house, I started to realize God was more than someone I said my prayers to every night.
I went to a private Christian school from preschool to 8th grade. I was in first grade when I realized my sin grieves God. My first experience with this was during Lent, leading up to Easter. I remember asking my teacher why I felt so sad about sin, “I feel like I’m hurting Jesus when I do something naughty.” I think that would have been a great time for her to share the Gospel with me, but I also think this profound statement from a 6 year old caught her completely off guard. While I don’t remember her response, I’m pretty sure she gave my parents a phone call that evening. That’s right around the same time the “Holy Fear” set in; “Holy Fear” of God’s judgement and hell. While this was my first real experience with faith and God, I don’t remember a time when I didn’t know He was there. I don’t remember a time when I didn’t believe in God.
Around this time I started praying at night that God would give me wisdom like Solomon (it does say in the Bible that no one before or since has had the supernatural wisdom God gave Solomon, I was 6, I hadn’t gotten that far reading the Bible yet) because I wanted to be like the smart kids in class. I also started praying that God would miraculously make me an adult because I just didn’t like being a kid. Was I foolish to make these requests? Possibly, yes. Did I believe God could make me wise and instantaneously an adult? Definitely. I’m thankful He didn’t miraculously turn me into an adult at age 6, I’ve had a lifetime of learning that has given me the wisdom I kept praying for as a child. So, in the long-run, yes He did answer my prayers. In His time.
Fast forward to 8th grade confirmation class. I knew God was real, I had a firm grasp of theology, a firm grasp of faith, I believed and had faith that Jesus died for me and forgave me and that God’s grace was abundant. I understood communion and I understood that God had a plan for my life, as He does for everyone, but I had no idea what that plan was, when it would happen or if it was already in progress. I knew there was absolutely nothing I could do to get to heaven. God did all the work. God calls His people into a relationship with Himself. God provides salvation through Christ Jesus. God forgives my sin because of Christ. If you’d asked me then if I was a Christian, I’d say yes without a doubt.
High school and college were all about trying to fit in. I can honestly say the back-sliding probably began sophomore year of high school and lasted until I started studying the Bible through BSF in 2010. You could have asked me if I was a Christian at any point those years and I might have said sure or I think so, but I was absolutely not living a Christian life. Perhaps individuals looking at my life from the outside, would see that I was an avid volunteer in church youth programs, a member of the church choir, a regular church attendee, and a Bible camp employee. Impressive, right? The truth was, I was only doing so to keep up appearances. My heart was never in it. I look back on those years and I thank God for His forgiveness and His abundant grace, because I was so far from where I am now. I can honestly say, those were years of rebellion. God was still there though, protecting me from harm that could have come my way. I lived in a seedy apartment in my early adult years (it’s gotten much nicer since I lived there), robberies, shootings, rodents and drug deals were common. Much of what went on in or around the building never affected me directly.
In my late 20s, I developed some health issues. One being sudden on-set, severe vertigo attacks. They came on with no warning. They could last moments or days. They were debilitating. I can remember asking God why me? Then came the pituitary issues. Between the two diagnoses, I was in a funk. I was told having children was not an option because of the risk. I wasn’t sure I wanted to have children if I was going to be stuck having vertigo all the time. Yet God gave me peace beyond all understanding. I accepted that, despite the discomforts of vertigo, I was fine, not in any pain, just dizzy frequently. My life wasn’t threatened. I even had peace that I might never have children myself. I naturally assumed God would bless me in another way. Was I angry at myself? Yes, but that would fade. All this came about the same time I joined BSF. There was a group of women who just prayed over my health regularly. I can’t thank them enough for coming along side me to pray. In time my pituitary situation stabilized and I was given the clear to go ahead and try for children. John and I had already been married several years, and clearly God’s timing was perfect. After our first son was born, I struggled with vertigo a few more times, but quickly realized the problem was mostly gone. I’ve been left hearing loss, permanent tinnitus and pressure in my left ear. I have not had a vertigo attack in 3 years. Praise God!
God is truly so, so good. He gave us two beautiful, healthy boys, two unmedicated, low-risk, out of hospital births, a stable marriage, a lovely church home, and for me, specifically, He has restored my health and renewed my faith. He’s done all the work in me. For that, I owe Him my life and all the praise.
I may not have a dramatic or glamorous story, but it’s the story I’ve been given by God. He created me, gave me the family I have, and as long as there is breath in me, He’s going to have work for me to complete. When I look back, over the 37 years I’ve been given, I can see God guiding me step by step. Even in the years of rebellion, He never left me. I’ve come a long way. No longer full of anger and resentment over my past (that’s the beauty of repentance, it’s healing for the soul). I look toward a future with God and family. I live by faith, through grace, and it’s a gift from God. I am a Christian, a wife, a mother, a sister, a daughter, and a friend.